The Pain Remains

It’s been 5 years and 6 months now since my mother left or in a painful term died. It’s been hard the first time I knew she’s gone and still feels the same as I wrote this blog. So I want to share my feelings of being lonely without her to ease or lessen the pain…

Mommy I know I have been the mataray, masungit, maldita daughter to you but I want you to know that this mataray, masungit, maldita daughter of you partly die when you’re gone. My heart crashed, there’s nothing more painful than losing you. I know I’m still in the road of recovery and I don’t want to reach the end of this road because this pain reminds me of how much I love you and how I miss you. “Sayang” and “sana” will always be the words that I will use in my life. Like, sana nandito ka, sayang wala ka na… I never got the chance to share my achievements to you; when I graduated college, when I got my first job, when I receive my first ever salary. And I will miss you for all the moments na sana kasama kita like; when I have my own car, have my own house, get married, have my first child which I’m so scared of having without you, because most of my friends live with their mom after giving birth, so that they will be taken care of and teach them the right things to do and I feel so unlucky that I don’t have you, to go to after giving birth (if ever). This time I can say “Iba pa din kapag may mommy”. Every time we go to your tomb, yes I smile or even laugh while we were there (as you know our family we never end the day without laughing together) but it hurts, it cuts my heart when I say “hi mommy” because I know you're there physically but your soul was not there anymore. I miss talking to you, I miss having kulitan moments with you, going to the market with you and I miss you as you are: your laugh, you being so emotional, loving, caring, understanding, patient and I also miss when you call me “anak”. Mommy, don’t get me wrong, it’s painful indeed but I can cope with it. I’m happy for the life you have given me and for this wonderful family and I thank God for sharing you to me for 17 years. You may not be the perfect mother to me (there’s no perfect in this world) but you had been the RIGHT mother for me, there’s no other mother fits me its only you. I promise to love you until my last breath. I LOVE you more than this word means!